We need to something about doing so miserably at every international sports meet. We fixed the Asian Games with one event that ensures we get atleast one gold medal – kabbadi. Then again our neighbours are increasingly giving us a tough time with that sport. We can’t push 2020 Cricket either, because who knows if the Bangladeshi women’s team will beat our men in blue. We need to push for sports that play to our strengths. I have been thinking that after Usha’s miss by a whisker, its been a while since anything worthwhile has been attempted by mallus. So here are some sporting events that assures us of top honours.
The Hartal Hurdle – this is definitely a sure winner, as we are experts at this – ‘minnal panimudak’ or lightning strike. The setting needs to be a small town. We need teams of eight split into groups of two, the groups have to ensure a complete lock out within the least time possible. Each group has to perform different tasks – one group has block traffic using stones, water pipes, tree trunks or creatively use whatever they can lay their hands on. Another has to go around shutting shops, threatening people, breaking windows and create as much discomfort as possible. The final group of four will shout slogans – here the slogans have to be creative and innovative. Points will be awarded for the totality of the strike, creativity with the slogans and the speed at which it is achieved. Where do we get athletes for this? West Bengal and Kerala will set up training camps across the country and impart this refined skill to all states.
The Nocturnal Obstacle Race – we call it the ‘chetta pokki kali’. It is said that if the sun rose at midnight in Kerala, you will see several people scampering away from nocturnal farming activities. We believe that there is no fixed time for sowing wild oats. The setting again has to be in a rustic setting with enough trees and bushes. And it is not as easy as it seems, one has to contend with stones, walls, protruding roots, trees, snakes, dogs, etc. Contestants will be given torches but marks will be added for optimum use. The ideal gear for this sport is the ‘kaaili’ or the lungi and the white cotton towel to cover one’s face from mosquitoes and flies but above all from being recognised if caught. Kitex has expressed willingness to sponsor the contestants.
Twenty Eight – which mallu worth his salt does not know ‘erupath ettu’. This is our favorite pastime and we carry it across the seas to every country that we migrate to. This is a card game that can be played by four or eight players. Ideally the players should be provided kallu or toddy and beedies. This can be a big money spinner, just think of merchandising the ‘kunnuku’ the punitive ear-rings made of tiny unripe coconuts, the garlands made of leaves, etc. Imagine hosting zonal NRI matches across the Gulf, USA and the UK.
The Fastest Slug – this is a sport that is quite popular in Kerala and is called the ‘nippan’ and no it did not originate in Japan. The inspiration for this came from watching the bars in Kerala where passerbys duck in quickly and down a ‘large’ even before you can say – ‘inquilab’. This is the art of downing the most drinks quickly while standing while dipping into the pickle bowl, technically called the ‘touchings’. The winners will be adjudged on speed, the number of drinks and the least number of licks of the pickle. The good part about this game is that by some cosmic design the leading players at ‘Twenty Eight’ are pretty good at this as well.
We have tried playing these games wherever we go, we tried the Hartal Hurdle even in the US and Saudi. Several of our leading players have had to face beatings and exile for attempting the Nocturnal Obstacle Race outside Kerala. The Twenty Eight has been our most famous export and is doing exceptionally well all around the world.
Objects in the Mirror 