Going Over to Down Under

It begins on the Quantas flight. The Flight Attendants can barely conceal their impatience with the browns. They attend to calls with a dismissive, ‘Yes? Sir. You make a request and they will purposely delay it while they go about attending to everyone else. If you are on a stop over flight, the ground staff will do a repeat. I have watched the Quantas rep whispering to the Check-in Staff at Bangkok Airport, ‘Check his passport’, an honour again reserved for the brownies. You land in Sydney and they will pick you out from the crowd and guide you to the customs hall and ask you to open your luggage. You stand there hoping you haven’t put anything in by mistake, while the burly Aussies wear gloves to go through your stuff and you hope the lady behind you doesn’t notice him holding up and shaking out your underwear. (I certainly wouldn’t hide illegal stuff in that.) Standard procedure? yes, but again targetted at the browns. Atleast on two occasions I was with a colleague from Singapore and both times he went through.  

I went to Starcity, a well known casino in Sydney with my Indian colleagues and we were in for some lip service there as well. J was standing in line to cash his chips when this Aussie behind told him, ‘Its an honor for you to stand next to me, you brown d***’.  J paid back in kind with something about origins. The next instance came soon after, while we waited for a cab. We saw this group of Aussie youth hail down a cab and then screaming, ‘Why cant you go, you f****** b****?’ We got into the same cab and it was this middle aged Lebanese lady who was shivering and told us that she wanted to go home as it was close to midnight and the boys wanted to go in the opposite direction. They didn’t stop at the yelling, they took another cab, overtook us and stopped at the next signal and shouted obscenities while gesturing with their fingers.  The next was at the Sydney Railway Station while we tried to get out through the turnstile, an Aussie pushed D and went ahead. 

I have always been intimidated while in Australia, there is an uneasiness you feel and you are constantly on guard. However, my Aussie colleagues are great people. They have always been warm, protective and very helpful.   

As for fellow Indian travellers, the less said the better. They are bad visitors, period. They will summon the Flight Attendants for the flimsiest of reasons. I have seen guys asking for drinks well past serving time, they hoard miniature whisky bottles in their pockets. As soon as the ‘Fasten Seat-belt’ sign is off they gather around a particular seat and talk loudly while blocking the passage. Yelling in Hindi across the aisle is common, so is talking loudly while co-passengers try to catch a wink.  Get off the plane and they will push you to get ahead, jump queues, litter the place. And if you see Indians in a shop, flee. They will bargain on stuff that have fixed prices with liberal doses of theatrics thrown in. I have been to shops where they have said they wont sell to me, because ‘Indians only haggle’.

My sympathies go out for the students of racial attacks in Melbourne but I think it is time we had a good look at ourselves. We need cultural sensitization sessions for visitors, be it tourists, students, or professionals. I remember that during the first wave of on-site projects, engineers had to go through a session on sensitization – please use deos, wash the oil off your hair, do not talk with your mouth full, say please and thank you…. 

This is the era of globalisation and the global village, we need each other. Let’s learn to live and let live.

Compulsory Confessions

It is Passion Week again and this is the season we Syrian Orthodox Christians really let go – short of crucifixon we do everything possible to purge ourselves and to partake of the tribulations of Christ. And I am fine with the Lent (letting go of beef and beer for 50 days is not the easiest thing for a true blue mallu), attending mass at 4am for Passover and Easter (its not easy to doze off leaning against your dozing neighbour with bells clanging), all that kneeling (by the time the week is over you can do an Appu Raja with ease). I am willing to even take on self flagellation, the one thing I cant take is the compulsory confession.  It is so compulsory that we have to sign a register after the confession. Can you beat that?

For the uninitiated it is mandatory for us to confess before we partake of communion. What’s the big deal, you ask?

How would you like to bare your innermost secrets to a man you meet practically every week if not more? No go I say. I hated bumping into him after Passion Week trying to decipher if he remembers all I told him.  The most trying time is when you passed him during offeratory and he looked at you and your friends nudged you and whispered, ’see? he remembers’.  

And so I created this messaging strategy (I should have zeroed in on communication back then and not wasted my time on other career options). It was pretty simple but quite effective. I classified sins into broad categories and so a standard confession would go like this -

Achen (thats what we call our priests) – Since your last confession do you have  anything to confess? If you do please say so in the presence of the Lord.

(Sure, I mean what a question!!! My last confession was a year ago.) 

Me – Yes Acha, I have lied on occasion. (I always hoped the guy before me had more lurid stuff to confess, besides it is better to steadily increase the heat.) 

Achen – Hmm? (In a tone, that says you can do better, go on.)

Me – I have not been regular in my prayers and at times have missed Sunday mass. (Another safe one. I mean, I can’t be the only one doing that)

Achen – Hmmm? (Go on, you are warming up.)

Me – I have been rude and hurt people (that’s such a motherhood statement.)

Achen – Hmmmm? (getting a little irritated)

Me – I have had bad thoughts (I almost can see him licking his lips)

Achen – Hmmmmmmm? (now we are getting there)

Achen – Hmmmmmmmmm? (come on son, easy does it, we are almost there)

Achen – HMMMMMMMMMMM???? (what???? that’s all???? you cheapo!!!!)

With that he grudgingly gives advice,  counsels and blesses me. All’s well that end’s well   

Listen, I have seen movies where a character confesses to a priest about a crime he is about to commit and the priest spends the entire night praying and pacing the floor debating whether he should warn the authorities. After all he cannot reveal what is said to him in secret.  

Why put the dear old padre through such torment?

Barking Dogs and Mewing Tigers

After the White Tiger, it is the Slumdog. If there was TV in 1945, the Independence Day would not have got as much viewership. Man, the craze was just nauseating especially Anil Kapoor’s antics at the BAFTA, definitely deserves an Oscar for ’stand up comedy’.

Sea of Poppies  lost out to White Tiger, arguably a much better book in terms of content.  And now Slumdog, when Taare Zameen Par was a more striking movie. My angst is about less deserving books and films getting the glory. (BTW I think that this is one of Rahman’s less impressive scores.) Is there more than meets the eye? Has playing out a formula taken over artistic expression? I have said this before, there is no doubt that White Tiger was a ‘made for Booker’ novel. I haven’t seen Slum Dog but the rushes show the same settings – slums and slime. Come to think about it, what is it about India’s slums and poverty that interests the West so much? No, I am not being defensive at all. 

  The good thing is that the nation got a reprieve from Arnab Goswami and Rahul Kanwal  ranting about Taliban ’swat’ting Zardari in the valley. Though I am sure Muthalik must be hating Boyle for spoiling his ’thong and dance’.

Letter to Jane Goodall

Dear Ms Goodall,

We have heard about you from our cousins in Africa.  We are members of the long forgotten Vaanar Sena, our name is etched in Indian history for our efforts in the epic Ram – Ravan Battles thousands of years ago. Since then we have lived a quiet life in the jungles and the fringes of Indian cities. You will be wondering why we are trying to communicate with you now. We have some startling news for you – Darwin was wrong.   

We silently accepted the Theory of Evolution as we had no way to communicate with homo sapiens. (Those experiments of your white-coated researchers are a big joke amongst us. Enticing us with pieces of fruit while we solved childish puzzles…..hahaha….what could be lemur than that?) We always believed, we are the superior race but we lost out on the huge public relations campaigns that you humans carried out. But today we are on the threshold of  proving everyone wrong and it is but fitting that this discovery comes out of India. (You may recall that India also discovered the value of zero – in real terms a zero is emptiness but this emptiness has significant importance – look at most Indian politicians).

Sorry for the digression, where were we? Ahh… we were talking about Darwin and his gibbonish. His theory said as a species evolves it modifies and betters itself to be successful in its survival. Therefore you all accepted that humans evolved from monkeys and therefore you are a higher race but we have been around langur. Darwin did not foresee devolution as a possibility. The human form seems to be the inflexion point in evolution and now it is regressing.

You ask how is that possible? We are seeing signs of it in South and West India. Young humans are taking on our habits and customs. They are adapting and enforcing the laws of the jungle in cities. They roam around in batches armed with sticks and stones attacking people especially the helpless, they destroy things around. Like our young they attack females they cant court and object to inter species courting. They have war cries very similar to kreegah, bundolo…..Fugaaaa, bhand karo….. At the rate they are going humans in Bangalore will need to have valid rhesuns to sip a cup of capuchino.

We look to you to evangelise this revolutionary discovery with the rest of the world.

Signed,

Secretary, Vaanar Sena, Big Banyan Tree, Bangalore

The Day After

Everyone is patting the Government for its ’swift’ action on the Satyam case. Well, in our country time is a relative phenomenon, however, given past instances this defintely was way more faster than the norm. But is there more to this? Look at the math – 53,000 employees, multiply that by 3 (an average family) add shareholders, add the Raju community – enough votes for a sure shot win at the hustings. Besides the fact that several politicians are running scared. The positive is that the earlier board was disbanded, it anyway did not have much to stake in terms of credibility

I was looking at the various players post the dubious disclosure.

- Mynampati the interim CEO was the main player behind the World bank Fiasco. And today’s papers say that he was paid more than the Rajus and the Board put together, a whopping 3.5 crores annually. It is but logical that he was a Raju man. The papers say he is likely to be arrested soon alongwith 3o others who are likely abettors.

-  The much vaunted board with luminaries will also come under the scanner.  They have already fled the ship and have not owned up to lapses from their eminences. To say they believed the auditors and took everything at face value is not enough to save it.  

-  The employees live in fear and shame. At a time when the industry needs to support them, we have the ‘current flavour of the season’ Infosys stating they are tainted and that they wouldn’t hire them. So much for being responsible leaders of the sunrise industry that got them where they are.

- The new Board carries hope, with names like Deepak Parekh and Kiran Karnik the Government has scored a winner. By the way what does Achuthan look like? Every newspaper worth its salt has pictures of both Karnik and Parekh.  

Have you also wondered why no other company other than Infosys has been hogging the limelight? Between Mohandas Pai and NRN they have got more sound bytes from the Satyam fiasco than any of their own making. The most ridiculous sight was a leading luminary like Swaminthan Aiyer and comical Arnab Goswami pleading, in suitably self deprecating tones, with NRN to take over Satyam. It was absolutely comical and preposterous.  And NRN droned on, “Well…at Infosys, we…..blah blah”.

Satyam eva Mayate

What an irony that a company with a name like this did what they did. The implications and the fallout of this for the much vaunted Indian IT industry is massive. Not only the IT industry but Corporate India as a whole. And the timing couldn’t have been worse. There is the anti outsourcing lobby rallying together in the US, one the key issues in the Obama campaign, and then the recession that has just about hitting the world. This was the time when global companies would have been forced to outsource to India to manage costs and profitability.  As early as 2004, the American media had reported that it was not only dreaded terrorist Osama whom the Americans were afraid of, but Ramalinga Raju was a feared man too as millions of jobs were being outsourced to Indian companies like Satyam. Just the right time for the nay sayers to chuckle, I told you so.

The letter by Ramalinga Raju conceals more than it reveals.

• 1. The Balance Sheet carries as of September 30, 2008,
  a) Inflated (non-existent) cash and bank balances of Rs 5,040 crore (as against Rs 5,361 crore reflected in the books);
  b) An accrued interest of Rs 376 crore, which is non-existent
  c) An understated liability of Rs 1,230 crore on account of funds arranged by me; d) An overstated debtors’ position of Rs 490 crore (as against Rs 2,651 reflected in the books);
  2.  For the September quarter(Q2) we reported a revenue of Rs 2,700 crore and an operating margin of Rs 649 crore(24 per cent of revenue) as against the actual revenues of Rs 2,112 crore and an actual operating margin of Rs 61 crore (3 per cent of revenues). This has resulted in artificial cash and bank balances going up by Rs 588 crore in Q2 alone.
  Can you fathom what was the extent of fraud over here? There are three levels of audit in any listed company and how this passed across these levels and over so many years is unimaginable.

• He says neither he nor the MD ‘took even one rupee/dollar from the company and have not benefitted in financial terms on account of the inflated results’. Who is he kidding?

• It lists 17 senior executives and business leaders who he says were ‘unaware of the real situation against the books of accounts’. The most conspicuous name is that of the CFO. Is Raju admitting that the CFO did play a role, which is clear as day.

Imagine the plight of the 53,000 employees, where do they go from here? What about the auditors will there be action taken on them?  Will the Rajus be treated differently from the regular accused? Or will they accorded privileges because they are blue collared? 

We have always had perception issues in global markets and this will strengthen it. From exporting dried papaya seeds along with pepper, to passing off polished ordinary stone as granite  our businessmen have done it all. My view is that there is atleast one more ‘IT bellwether’  that has skeletons in the cupboard. They are sickeningly sterile. It is just a matter of time. 

I like the one clever line in the letter, “It was like riding a tiger, not knowing how to get off without being eaten’. How about some self sacrifice? One for over a million IT fellow cyber coolies.

Reny And His Children

This year we decided to move away from the usual year end Christmas celebrations and do something more meaningful. We decided to revisit Precious Children’s Home like we did about two years ago. This is a charitable project under the aegis of Prison Fellowship. Prison Fellowship focuses on the rehabilitation of released prisoners besides helping victims of crime. Precious Children’s Home is targetted at children of prisoners, victims of crime and abandoned children and is run by Reny George.

Reny’s past is a story that most malayalis especially those from Central Travancore are well aware of. There was even a movie made that was loosely based on this terrible tale starring Mohan Lal. I remember passing by Karikeneth Villa near Tiruvalla and peering into the house and recalling the story. The house is some distance away from the road and is surrounded by big dark trees, it had that eerie aura around it.  Most often someone in the vehicle would say, “That is Karikeneth Villa, you remember Madrasille Mon?”

The story goes that Reny was studying in Chennai (Madras then) and got into bad company, drugs and alcohol.  His friends and he came to visit his uncle and aunt, the owners of Karikeneth Villa. Reny demanded money to buy drugs and there was an argument which turned fatal for the issueless couple. Reny murdered his uncle and aunt and fled the scene. The police were at a loss in identifying the killers as the couple kept to themselves and did not have ties with neighbours. The case dragged on and it was a chance remark by one of the maids that got the police in the hunt. The maid said that the aunt had mentioned that Madrasille Mon (literally tanslated – son from Madras) would be visiting the next day.  Reny was arrested alongwith his friends and was sentenced to prison. (This was one of the versions I had heard as a child). While in prison Reny turned to Christianity and started working for the welfare of prisoners. Post his release Reny set up the Precious Children’s Home.

I remember meeting Reny two years ago during our first visit. I had mixed emotions when I saw him, I did not know what to expect. The stories were larger than life, in my mind I had this image of a scary man with scars and frightening looks. I was nervous and a little apprehensive as he walked towards me and introduced himself. A very pleasant man with an infectious smile his demeanour put me at ease. We talked about his work with children, the challenges he faced and his plans for the Home. After a while he asked, “Aren’t you from Kerala?” I replied that my parents are from Kerala and that I spent most of my life outside Kerala. He then said, “Haven’t you heard my story?”  I nodded nervously and murmered, “Yes”. He then said that there was a lot of half truths floating around and that he was writing his autobiography for the world to read.

Meeting him this time around was like meeting an old friend. He remembered our last visit, we talked a lot. I asked him about his book, he said that he was sewing up the last chapter. I queried him about how his plans for the Home had progressed. He pointed to a young lad and said proudly, “That boy passed out of this Home and now has a steady job.” He looked at his wards as they sang a song for us and told me, “I am sure there is a future Abdul Kalam or a Mother Theresa in that lot of children. My job is to set them in the right path.”

As we drove away that evening, I kept thinking about the Reny’s incredible story and his selfless work. But does that balance out his transgression? Well, who am I to judge him?

The last time I passed Karikeneth Villa almost a year ago, the house had been repainted and the board had been changed. It looked bright and welcoming.

You cant wake a person who is pretending to be asleep (Navajo Proverb)

I have been scanning TV channels, newspapers and blogs closely over the last week specifically to assess how our neighbours have been reacting to the terror attacks in Mumbai. If only some corporates can learn the knack of consistency in messaging it will do them a lot of good. You have to hand it to Pakistan that across the populace, irrespective of party, class or ideology they talk in one unified voice - give us the evidence.  

This time I am not going to add my two bit but I am going to let the international voices give the evidence

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice

Made it clear that Pakistan must “act with urgency and transparency” on the leads in connection with the Mumbai incidents and implement its commitments to “cooperate fully” with India in the probe. Rice, said Pakistan must cooperate in the investigations and rejected the contention of President Asif Ali Zardari that “non-state actors” could be behind the terror strikes.

 

US National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell

“The same group that we believe is responsible for Mumbai had a similar attack in 2006 on a train and killed a similar number of people,” McConnell said. “Go back to 2001
and it was an attack on the (Indian) Parliament.” US National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell’s remarks, in an address to the Harvard University on Tuesday night,

 

Commission mandated by the United States Congress

Were one to map terrorism and weapons of mass destruction today, all roads would intersect in Pakistan,’ a report by a high-powered bipartisan commission that was mandated by the United States Congress.

The report titled, World at Risk, The Report of the Commission on the Prevention of Weapons of Mass Destruction Proliferation and Terrorism , said Pakistan ‘has nuclear weapons and a history of unstable governments, and parts of its territory are currently a safe haven for Al Qaeda and other terrorists.’

‘Moreover, given Pakistan’s tense relationship with India, its buildup of nuclear weapons is exacerbating the prospect of a dangerous nuclear arms race in South Asia that could lead to a nuclear conflict,’ the report warned.

The Commission was chaired by former US Senator Bob Graham with another erstwhile US Senator Jim Talent, serving as vice-chairman, and included Wendy Sherman, a former senior Clinton administration official who is now the chair of the foreign policy transition team of the incoming Obama administration.

The report, which had one whole chapter on Pakistan, titled, Pakistan: The Intersection of Nuclear Weapons and Terrorism, acknowledged that ‘Pakistan is an ally, but there is a grave danger, it could also be an unwitting source of a terrorist attack on the United States, possibly with weapons of mass destruction 

 

Madeline Albright, Former Secretary of State of the United States

Counting many elements, including terrorism and nuclear weapons, in Pakistan as causes of international worries, a former top United States official has described the South Asian country as an ‘international migraine’.

“My own sense is Pakistan has everything that gives you an international migraine. It has nuclear weapons, it has terrorism, extremists, corruption, very poor and it’s in a location that’s really, really important to us. And now this issue with India.

 

 

Thomas Friedman, Journalist and Author 

 

But while the Pakistani government’s sober response is important, and the sincere expressions of outrage by individual Pakistanis are critical, I am still hoping for more. I am still hoping — just once — for that mass demonstration of “ordinary people” against the Mumbai bombers, not for my sake, not for India’s sake, but for Pakistan’s sake.

……… The best defense against this kind of murderous violence is to limit the pool of recruits, and the only way to do that is for the home society to isolate, condemn and denounce publicly and repeatedly the murderers — and not amplify, ignore, glorify, justify or “explain” their activities.

But at the end of the day, terrorists often are just acting on what they sense the majority really wants but doesn’t dare do or say. That is why the most powerful deterrent to their behavior is when the community as a whole says: “No more. What you have done in murdering defenseless men, women and children has brought shame on us and on you.”

Why should Pakistanis do that? Because you can’t have a healthy society that tolerates in any way its own sons going into a modern city, anywhere, and just murdering everyone in sight — including some 40 other Muslims — in a suicide-murder operation, without even bothering to leave a note. Because the act was their note and destroying just to destroy was their goal. If you do that with enemies abroad, you will do that with enemies at home and destroy your own society in the process.

 

I rest my case.

We Dont Need No Elocution

The tragedy is numbing, the nation is still smarting from the audacity. Is it the audacity of the attack or our guilt that the blame lies with us at some level? We elected our leaders, we are incited by their harangues (Raj Thackeray, scared to step out?), we protest when convicted terrorists are sentenced (Arundhati, whither art thou?), we complain when we are frisked. We shout from the rooftops about our democracy, what are we talking about? Strange and ironic it may sound, but this tragedy has its positives. We have been through some painful divisive strategies mapped out by our politicians recently – the anti North Indian stir in Mumbai, the Khandamal violence, the Singur fiasco, the Malegaon probe - this terror attack can be the catalyst that might rouse us out of our slumber.  We were in need of heroes, and we got several from the NSG Commandos, to the Police and as importantly the hotel staff who risked life and limb to protect their guests. The stories about the selfless acts of the staff at the Oberoi and the Taj are numerous.

However, in my esteem the biggest heroes are Mrs. Kavita Karkare and Mr. Unnikrishnan.

Here are two typical middle class Indians living lives not very different from ours. But they stand out with their defiance and their ability to take a stance in the face of tragedy. Mrs. Karkare’s refusal to accept Narendra Modi’s reward was a stinging slap in his face. Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan’s father was as resolute when he nearly threw out VS Achutanandan from his house. His stand was that the Kerala CM came because of the clamour in the media back home, not out of any real feeling and for political mileage. It was four days late as well. One can’t but applaud the two for standing up with no fear of reprisals as both politicians are from parties that are not new to intimidating tactics. It warms the heart to see such courage and the intelligence to see through these dramas. Unnikrishnan apparently even slammed the phone on AK Anthony. Bravo!!!

And what does the shameless ‘Achu mama’ do? He shows his true colours once he is back at Cliff House licking his wounds. His response is low and crude. What do you expect of a man who is barely literate? Isn’t it unfair to think that even peons in government offices need to have minimum educational qualifications while our politicians need nothing of that sort. And we wonder at the quality of leadership that we have? And who is responsible for getting this caricature into office? WE.

I am disgusted that I have my roots in a state that is ruled by such a low human being.

The Suitable Boy

It was really quite funny – VV was narrating her experiences en route her mother’s hunt for a prospective son in law. Her mom, like all Indian mothers wants to see ‘her comfortably settled’. Being a Menon settled in Chennai makes the pressure even more. So she has been trying every way possible to get VV to ‘just see or speak’ to some prospects, ‘no pressure at all’. Apparently VV says her biggest mistake was to insist that mama do a computer course, one that has her ruing it every time there is a forward from a matrimony site to her personal id by mother dear.

One of the profiles that she was impressed with was a guy working in Mumbai. He called VV after mama passed on her number ‘just to get to know each other’. After some quick pleasantries he asks her, ‘Are you beautiful?’ VV was quite embarassed and said, ‘What can I say? you have seen my pictures.’ Next he says, ‘I am going to lock you up, so no man ever sees you’.

Amma said, ‘He was just exaggerating, however its not hard to see how protective he is.’

The next suitor was from a well known software firm and he was even better, ‘What is your salary?’ was his third question on the phone, a shocked VV mumbled something and he added, ‘Well, lets save your salary for the kid’s education’. Even before she could gather her confounded wits and bruised ego, he says, ‘By the way I have never been to Europe so we will go there for our honeymoon.’ He also told her in a very matter-of-fact tone, “I like dal chawal and I am sure you know how to cook that.’ 

Amma said, ‘It just shows how keen he is on this wedding.’ 

And she was right, so one day he lands up at her house with his folks. And soon the folks and her mom graciously left on some hastily recalled errand leaving the two alone. VV was expecting more aggression when he meekly said, ‘I am an introvert and a little shy when meeting people’. Now she felt may be she was judging him unfairly. A few uncomfortable silent moments later he looks at some paintings on the wall and asks accusingly, ‘Why do you have a painting of Mother Mary on your wall?’ VV was sure there was none but still looked at the wall to be certain. She replied with all the sarcasm she could muster, ‘That….is the Mona Lisa.’ 

Amma said later, ‘So what if he got a GK question wrong?’