Compulsory Confessions

It is Passion Week again and this is the season we Syrian Orthodox Christians really let go – short of crucifixon we do everything possible to purge ourselves and to partake of the tribulations of Christ. And I am fine with the Lent (letting go of beef and beer for 50 days is not the easiest thing for a true blue mallu), attending mass at 4am for Passover and Easter (its not easy to doze off leaning against your dozing neighbour with bells clanging), all that kneeling (by the time the week is over you can do an Appu Raja with ease). I am willing to even take on self flagellation, the one thing I cant take is the compulsory confession.  It is so compulsory that we have to sign a register after the confession. Can you beat that?

For the uninitiated it is mandatory for us to confess before we partake of communion. What’s the big deal, you ask?

How would you like to bare your innermost secrets to a man you meet practically every week if not more? No go I say. I hated bumping into him after Passion Week trying to decipher if he remembers all I told him.  The most trying time is when you passed him during offeratory and he looked at you and your friends nudged you and whispered, ’see? he remembers’.  

And so I created this messaging strategy (I should have zeroed in on communication back then and not wasted my time on other career options). It was pretty simple but quite effective. I classified sins into broad categories and so a standard confession would go like this -

Achen (thats what we call our priests) – Since your last confession do you have  anything to confess? If you do please say so in the presence of the Lord.

(Sure, I mean what a question!!! My last confession was a year ago.) 

Me – Yes Acha, I have lied on occasion. (I always hoped the guy before me had more lurid stuff to confess, besides it is better to steadily increase the heat.) 

Achen – Hmm? (In a tone, that says you can do better, go on.)

Me – I have not been regular in my prayers and at times have missed Sunday mass. (Another safe one. I mean, I can’t be the only one doing that)

Achen – Hmmm? (Go on, you are warming up.)

Me – I have been rude and hurt people (that’s such a motherhood statement.)

Achen – Hmmmm? (getting a little irritated)

Me – I have had bad thoughts (I almost can see him licking his lips)

Achen – Hmmmmmmm? (now we are getting there)

Achen – Hmmmmmmmmm? (come on son, easy does it, we are almost there)

Achen – HMMMMMMMMMMM???? (what???? that’s all???? you cheapo!!!!)

With that he grudgingly gives advice,  counsels and blesses me. All’s well that end’s well   

Listen, I have seen movies where a character confesses to a priest about a crime he is about to commit and the priest spends the entire night praying and pacing the floor debating whether he should warn the authorities. After all he cannot reveal what is said to him in secret.  

Why put the dear old padre through such torment?