Inquisitions in Kerala

If I said mallus are extremely thoughtful, not many will disagree. We are very concerned about each other, we look out for each other, though at times we do it to keep ourselves entertained. We are very creative as well, we add our own dimensions and interpretations before we recount anything to anyone. And we don’t believe in politeness because formality is a bane to real intimacy and genuine concern.

You want me to expand on that? Here is a standard conversation that every NRM (non resident Mallu) goes through during every visit. Imagine the first morning of your visit, you stand outside the house taking in lungfuls of clean green air sunning yourself. You are feeling good and you think to yourself, ‘Am I glad to get away from the noise, the dust and fumes of the city?’. Your reverie wont last long. Some achayan walking by will call out (we dont care if you are out of earshot we have powerful voices).   

‘Enna vanne’ (when did you come)? is the standard greeting accompanied with the open right palm moving up and down. There are occasions when the inquisitor might start the questioning by clearing his throat and spitting out red paan at the nearest tree. This is for effect, both sight and sound.

Ethra naal onde?  (how long are you here?)

Ippol evideya? (where are you based currently?) If your living in any Indian state, he may chortle dismissively. For Amerikya, Texaas, Calaforrnnia or Kyanada it is an appreciative chuckle. Persia fails to elicit any response these days.

Ethra ya shambalam? (What is your salary?) Do not take offence, it is normal. He is just gathering material for the discussion scheduled at the tea shop in the next half hour.

Oru masam sharashari ethera sambadhikyam?  (on an average how much can you save?) You may have to explain your tax saving plans, your investments and your assets. This again is purely for disscussional purposes.

Enna madangunne? (when will you return). Answer with extreme caution. Anything you say will be held against you.

Sheri pinne kaanam (ok, see you around) The end of the interrogation. You have passed the inquisition.

Do commit all that you said to memory as you will have to repeat this several times for the duration of your stay. And always remember they will cross-check your statements amongst themselves. Don’t count yourself lucky if your boss bought your story about Apachen in the ICU or your close cousin’s engagement or your twisted ankle and agreed to a leave extension. You will have to explain as soon the date you specified to your interrogator runs out. Be sure that he will relay this anamoly at the tea shop, usually accompanied by the declaration that you have been sacked.

You should proud you are a part of this experience, the experience of being loved and cared for by everyone in your neighbourhood and beyond. Don’t bother complaining to your folks about ‘right to privacy’ or ‘right to legal counsel during interrogation’. They will smile indulgently and say, ‘Snehamkondalle’ (it is out of love).